Empty Spaces
by tender-takenbreath
Summary: "When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." Falling in love while suffering inside, this is Bella's story.
1. When the Tigers Broke Free

"When the Tigers Broke Free."

My head was pounding and my stomach was churning something awful, the drugs I'd taken the last time I was awake were wearing off and I could feel _that _feeling creeping inside me again. I lay paralysed with fear, not again please don't come back I closed my eyes squeezing them so tightly I saw strange shapes in front of my closed eyes and my ears pounded.

I began to take in where I was, I was lying on marble it was cold but I was used to that I would rather be cold than feel the nauseating heat that came over me when I was filled with fear. I wiggled my toes and lifted my head to look at myself, I was clad in my bra and knickers they looked worn and dirty, my legs were scuffed and bruised. I lifted my arms and checked out the latest bruises which marked them.

I couldn't move yet, this was the worst part of being able to function again, my body was unable to move but my mind was finally alive. The anxiety inside of me curled and slowly moved within my stomach like a snake it grew moving itself along the inside of me, using my veins and arteries as a way of moving inside of me. It knew how to cripple me, how to destroy me, I was dying I knew I was life was killing me I was rotting from the inside out and crumbling inwardly. Dying. _Dead._

/

I don't know how long I lay on the floor; I couldn't move my head was spinning. My vision was startlingly bright and flashes of colour kept contorting in front of my eyes, I felt dizzy and scared and I couldn't even curl up in to ball and hope this went away. I was trapped lying on my back haunted by the visions in front of my eyes, immobilised by fear and visions of the dreams I ran away from. I was sucked in to a vortex within my mind and everything I hoped to avoid was flung upon me, I tried to scream but I couldn't hear anything only the whirring inside of my mind and my blood pumping hard within my ears.

My vision cleared and I heard it a long startled scream interrupted by deep heavy breathing, it took me a couple of moments to realise I was making the noise. I couldn't stop it, my throat felt like it was being ripped open, I couldn't breathe I shoved my fist in to my mouth and bit down until my breathing eased and began to steady through my nose. I wiggled my limbs realising I now had the power to move and stood up. I felt warmth on my hands, it was think and chunky. Vomit. I don't remember vomiting but then again I never remembered anything when the demons took over me, shakily I stood and gripped on to the towel rail. I manoeuvred my way out of the bathroom and in to my bedroom, I made it over to my bed and opened up my draw finding what I needed, pills.

I found my little bag containing my coloured pills to take me to my safe haven escaping from my living hell.

/

I had been asleep, what woke me up? I heard it again, the soft vibrating buzzing noise, my phone. I moved from bed slowly, my brain still hazy and clouded over just the way I liked it to be, rustling around on the floor beside my bed I managed to find my phone.

"Hello." My voice sounded scratchy, slow and low.

"Isabella. It's your mother."

"Isabella are you there?" I opened my eyes and realised I'd zoned out again.

"I'm here mom, what do you want?"

"You need to come round for seven, no excuses. Seven at mine, be presentable and for god sake no episodes."

"Ok."

"Good bye, and Isabella I mean it NO episodes, not this time."

I sighed; she ended the call and I fell back on to my bed. I wonder what it could be this time, I rarely saw my mom we were distant we didn't get on, I gave up. She gave up trying.

/

_4:14_. Two and a half hours before I'd have to leave to go to my mom's I was tempted to pop another pill and sleep it off but I knew that wouldn't work. I sat head in hands still on my cloud of haze and ease, I could do this. I could be her perfect daughter for a few hours, I just had to smile and talk about the right things. This meant no colours, no pictures of what is in my mind, no talk of the past and no talk of anything to do with myself, she didn't want to know. She didn't care; she didn't want anyone else knowing that I was a screw up that she'd lost one daughter. The perfect daughter, the successful beautiful one, she only had me left the screw up, the weirdo, the broken incomplete mess.

I sat and felt my body move inside and outside of itself, I couldn't move yet my body felt as though it was falling in to a vortex of some kind. My mind spinning in slow sweet circles moving in to itself.

_5:05_. I needed to get up, I needed to make myself presentable.

-/

**So, this is something that has been on my mind for a while, the story is going to be a pretty dark one. I hope you like it as much as I am enjoying writing it, writing this story is very therapeutic like putting to bed demons of your own. Thank you for reading. x**


	2. In the Flesh?

In the Flesh?

I couldn't remember how long I'd been in the water; the bubbles had faded away to nothing leaving a pearly hue. I floated in the tepid water, closing my eyes and inhaling my cigarette falling in to a trance like state; I felt relatively calm. My thoughts breezed about softly and I began to think about my family, one of the main things which stuck out about tonight was how many photos my mother had of my sister, the house had become like a shrine. Victoria had always been my mother's pride and joy; they were two peas in a pod both beautiful and outgoing. In Victoria my mother had, had the perfect debutante daughter which she had craved; I'd never been a social butterfly finding conversation awkward and hard a trait I inherited from my dad. I blew out the heavy smoke from my lungs watching as it floated in the air before disappearing, my dear old papa, if my mother and Victoria were images of each other I was the image of my father. Brooding and solitary, the only place I found solace was in his arms, my confidant and secret keeper. I sighed lying back in the water, I popped a pill which was lying on the side in to my mouth and shut my eyes waiting to finally feel peace.

/

_I'd arrived up at my mother's at ten to seven, the lift opened and my feet turned to lead, I trudged along and had my coat swiftly taken from me by the cloakroom attendant. I walked through to the living room and stood awkwardly smoothing my hair, my mother had her back to me she hadn't seen me yet. Renee Higgenbotham-Swan, my mother having grown up coming from old money, was a high society snob she was a beautiful woman who had, had no worries in her life other than that she had to act lady like and marry a man who kept up with family's high values. _

_She turned around and finally saw me standing there, her perfect public smile appeared on her beautiful face whilst her eyes remained closed and empty; this is the main image from my childhood, empty, unfeeling, unloving. _

"_Isabella. Darling, there you are. Oh have you lost weight you look wonderful." My mother talked to me as if I was a guest rather than her daughter, she came in close and brushed my cheek with her lips and I inhaled the smell I had grew up with an exotic spice like smell was the opposite of her appearance. The only thing I inherited from my mother was her skin, she had pale English rose skin that was always blemish free. Her eyes were a faint pale shade of blue and her auburn hair was cut and styled in a fashionable bob looking glossy and silky, my mother was always the image of perfection. If you practiced being perfect enough then maybe your personal life would follow suit, unfortunately the idea didn't work out for my mother. _

"_Hello mother, I'm just going to the toilet I'll be down as quick as possible."_

"_Dinner will be served in ten, don't take too long." She walked out of the room and I heard her begin to chatter with the guests already situated in the dining room, I sped up the stairs to my old bedroom, my heart was racing and I felt sick. God I hated social gatherings._

"_There you are. How are you little one?" I spun around and found my papa behind me, I gasped and fell in to his arms nuzzling his suit jacket and breathing in his musky scent my heart beating rapidly._

"_Papa, are you hiding out as well." He smiled and brushed my hair with his cheek, nodding cheekily._

"_You know me, little one. Social dinners really aren't my forte, better left to your mother."_

"_Will you be joining us?" He smiled softly, and shook his head I felt my heart drop in to my stomach, and couldn't help those traitor tears that welled up in my eyes._

"_Shh, shh. Now come on old Bean don't cry. I'll be up here if you need me. Come on give me that beautiful smile of yours, don't ever let them see you cry Isabella they aren't worth it." He kissed my forehead and walked out the room, I bit back tears that again were ready to fall and made my way back downstairs._

_I walked in the dining room hopefully appearing nonchalant, I'd taken two pills before I left and my brain still had that clouded haze I liked over it. I took my seat at the bottom of the table opposite my mother, she nodded at me._

"_Hello everyone, if you'd all like to take your seats dinner will be served shortly." I pulled my chair back and fell in to it, I felt nauseous and dizzy I looked around the room and did not recognise anyone there. _

_It was during the main course, after the uneasy appetisers and starter course that my mother revealed her news. I could tell she'd had something to say, I knew I wasn't just invited for a social dinner. _

"_My dear friends, I have some news for you all." She beamed flashing her perfect teeth before taking the man to her rights hand, I gasped and felt my head begin to cloud over oh god not now please not now. The last thing I wanted was an episode but the way she looked at the man next to her, and him to her made my stomach churn and my brain burn. _

"_As you know Phil and I have been seeing each other, after the traumatic end to Charlie and mines relationship I never thought I would ever meet anyone else. Phil however came along and stole my heart and well he proposed the other day and I accepted, I'm engaged!"_

_Engaged? Fucking engaged? She had my father upstairs like a prisoner while she flaunted this man about down here? How dare she, my mind was whirling and my heart began to beat extremely fast, I became hot, too hot to cope. _

_All eyes were now on me and I felt myself become light headed and this was where my memory faded, this is where an episode began. No amount of pills I had taken could have pulled me back from this emotional cliff my mother had thrown me off. _

/

That was all I remembered from the evening, I'd woken up in my bed I didn't remember how I got there or who had brought me back. The time had been 9:15 I must have lasted just over two hours there, and this is where I came after I'd awoken. I was now calming myself down internally, I felt like I was mentally sinking down in to a black hole. I'd fallen in to quick sand and it was sucking me down, I had no chance of escape, no hope of being saved I was slowly being destroyed and I had no idea how to save myself.

I eventually got out of the bath and crawled in to bed, I couldn't sleep however I had that horrendous feeling inside of me. I was afraid but I didn't know what I was afraid of, I lay there terrified to move in case this feeling burst from me destroying me completely. My fears began to roam the earth taking their own physical shape. When my fears got so bad, I heard voices in my head they talked all at once confusing me scaring me and torturing me, I curled up in to a ball as the voices inflicted their monologue of anger and wrath upon me. I began screaming, they wouldn't stop I couldn't cope with this; I reached for my blue pill to empty my head of all thoughts to save me.

The blue pill worked its magic and I entered the dark realm, my safe haven of nothingness.

/


	3. The Thin Ice

The Thin Ice

I woke up with someone's arms wound around me; I opened my eyes panic flooding through me. I quickly spun myself around, detaching the person's arms from around my waist and found myself looking at my best friend. My body relaxed instantly, it was only Alice.

"Hello."

"Bella! You're awake at last do you realise how long I've been waiting for your lazy butt to wake up?"

I yawned and smiled propping myself up on to one elbow, "I'm sorry, I was well and truly out for the count. It's lovely to see you; I've had such a shit couple of days."

She pouted and pulled me in close for a hug all at once I was enveloped by her smell, it was sweet and airy Alice's perfume always took me back to the day when we'd practically ran in to each other, I was out walking after a serious meltdown and this small pixie girl had ran in to me and wouldn't take no for an answer when she had suggested buying me coffee as an apology.  
From that day on Alice had become my closest friend, I didn't have many friends well come to think about it Alice was probably my only friend. She always seemed to know when I needed her and would always appear, she was like my magic guardian angel always saving me when I was on the shore of despair.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head and just nuzzled in to the hug pleased for some human contact, some actual support.

"Okay then, well I came around because I think we should go out tonight. It's been a while since we've went out and partied, so how about it?"

I looked at her frowning slightly, I didn't really like parties, I didn't like the hustle and bustle. The being surrounded by so many people usually made me feel uncomfortable and I sometimes had panic attacks or worse an episode. I was about to protest when she cut me off.

"Come on! It'll be fun, we might meet some guys; plus I have some XTC so honey you'll be on too much of a love buzz to let the nightingales bother you."

I winced at the mention of the nightingales, they brought back memories I would rather stay hidden in the back of my mind. I looked at Alice's eager eyes and knew I was going to cave; she always had a way of convincing me no matter how much I protested. I sighed and she threw her arms around me giggling in victory.

"I win? Thank you B! You won't regret it, how about I meet you back here at 8? We can head out about half past."

I simply nodded; I'd given in so I let Alice take charge of the affairs of the night. She climbed over me kissing me on the cheek before telling me to be ready by 8, then skipping out of the room. After she'd gone I sighed looking up at the ceiling, I wish I hadn't agreed I wasn't feeling good now she'd gone the feeling inside of me was creeping up growing. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched and I didn't feel comfortable, one of my fears was that my mother had a camera in my room hidden watching me, keeping check of me. I shuddered and climbed out of bed filling the bath, I wandered back in to my room quickly looking at the time, 3:15 before opening my draw and taking two pills out.

One the bath was full, I climbed in to the steaming water and tried to relax, my daily bath was my favourite part of the day. I slipped the pills in to my mouth and dry swallowed before sinking down under the water and easing in to a semi-relaxed state.

/

"_Mommy, look I drew a picture of us all." _

"_That's wonderful darling; do you know where your sister is?" My mother barely glanced at me or my picture before wandering out of the room in search of Victoria; I sighed and slumped down on to the floor I could hear my mother and sister talking in the living room._

"_How is he today?"  
"Fine, he's better today than before." I heard my mother sigh and the sound of her sitting down.  
"Are you okay mom? You look worn out."  
"I'm fine darling, I just worry about you and about Bella, I'm so sorry this is thrust upon you and she's so little I'm glad she can't understand my biggest regret is that you are burdened with this."_

_I didn't understand what my mother and sister were talking about, I crept upstairs, daddy would like my picture. Daddy was always happy to see me. I walked along the hallway until I was at my parent's room, quietly opening the door; daddy was still in bed._

"_Hi papa, I drew a picture of us." _

_I heard him move before sitting up, I giggled his hair was sticking up all over the place; he looked confused for a second before smiling at me._

"_Princess! You drew a picture? Come on up here and show me." _

_I climbed on to the bed and showed him my latest picture, I'd drew us all at the zoo our latest trip out before mother had gotten grouchy at daddy because he was sleepy and we'd had to leave. I told him what the picture was about and he listened before pulling me close, I rubbed my face on his soft t-shirt and cuddled in to him._

"_You know you're my special little girl and that I love you and would never hurt you?"_

_I nodded; he was so silly he looked scared like I'd forgotten. How could I forget that? Papa was the one who told me stories, and gave me cuddles, he listened to me. I knew daddy loved me, I knew __he__ cared. _

_We settled down and he began to tell me a story about a Princess who lived in an apartment in New York who liked to draw, I giggled and listened intently my papa's stories were the best._

"_One day the Princess was out with her old papa, King Swan…."_

"_Bella there you are! I've been looking for you all over come on we have to go." Victoria stood at the door, she had her annoyed face on and I didn't know why I'd done everything I was told to do this morning she was such a grouch just like mother._

_I sighed and looked at my papa; he smiled and kissed me on the cheek before telling me the story would continue later. I reluctantly crawled out of bed and walked to the door where my moody sister was._

"_Go downstairs, I'll be down in a minute I just have to say bye to father." I was about to protest but she gave me the angry face so I stormed out the room._

"_What are you doing sitting with her? Mom told you it's not safe, not after your episode yesterday. You're so selfish, do you even think about mom?" _

"_I'm sorry Victoria, I really am... If I could stop it I would but…"  
"We don't need your excuses your pathetic, I hate you." _

_I heard my papa start to cry and I ran back along the corridor._

"_Don't talk to papa that way, you're just mean! You're always mean to him you and mother; papa never does anything you're just nasty Victoria."_

_She looked down at me, as I ran over to give papa a hug; I stroked his face the way he did to me._

"_Bella I told you to go downstairs, now leave."  
"NO. Not when you're going to be mean to my daddy."_

"_Bella you don't unde..."_

"What's going on?" Oh great now they would both to mean to papa and I. I glared at my mother and Victoria, they were so horrible, I hated them.

_Mother looked me, before coming round and picking me carrying me out of the room, I squirmed and struggled wanting to stay beside my daddy but she was strong. As we walked past Victoria I made sure to give her my meanest look._

"_You're nasty." As I said that Victoria started to cry and rushed out of the room slamming her door, mother carried me to my own room before looking at me biting her lip._

"_Bella I..."  
"No, leave me alone. I don't want to speak to you or her, I want my daddy." I started to cry and she heId on to me, I pushed her away but she wouldn't let go and I couldn't stop my tears._

/

_Dragging behind you the silent reproach Of a million tear stained eyes_

I opened my eyes looking around; it had become dark so quickly. I jumped out of the bath and checked the clock, _6:25_, plenty of time. My heart was beating fast, and I heard a noise behind me I quickly spun around and saw a shadow move, my stomach dropped and I felt sick. I walked out from my bedroom and saw someone walk out of the door I quickly chased them down to the front door and looked out in to the hall, no one was there. I locked the doors then ran back to my bedroom, grabbing another two pills, swallowing them quickly before locking myself in the bathroom where I sat on the toilet seat and calmed my breathing. When I could breathe again and my heart rate was at a regular level, the tears began.

_Don't be surprised, when a crack in the ice. Appears under your feet_

I stood up looking in the mirror at myself; this was the first time I'd looked at myself properly for a while. My face had thinned out a lot, I knew I hadn't been eating much recently, my cheek bones stuck out and I had bags under my eyes. My hair had grown and it was messy and tousled down my back, my body had thinned out a lot what little breasts I'd had before were now gone and my collar bones jaunted out aggressively. I couldn't bear to look at myself any more, I rubbed my moisturiser all over my disgusting body before putting underwear on, I focussed on what to wear to distract my mind.

45 minutes later, it was 7:10 and I was ready to go. I'd applied make up to hide my bags and brushed my hair in to a style, the dress I'd chosen hid how thin my body had become and made me look half decent. I looked okay, I knew I wasn't beautiful it didn't bother me, I'd given up on caring about that Victoria had always been the beautiful one. I was the quiet, dark one and that suited me, I didn't like attention, I liked fading in to the background.

I sat down on my bed and lit a cigarette, passing time till Alice would be here. I lay back and began to think, someone had been in my flat, I'd seen them the worry gnawed at my stomach, if they'd gotten in could they come back? I went back to the door and checked the locks they were firmly in place, I walked back in to my room and gasped there on my bed; was my sister. Victoria.

_You slip out of your depth and out of your mind With your fear flowing out behind you_

"W-what are you doing here?"

She spun around and looked at me sadly, she looked like she was going to cry I felt my brows furrow.

"Are you okay?"

She just kept looking at my sadly, I saw her head move slightly.

"Victoria! Answer me!" I couldn't stand her looking at me like that so I stormed over ready to scream at her, when I got to where she was though she'd gone. I looked around franticly. No, no this couldn't be happening, not again.

How could I have seen her? She was dead, stupid stupid Bella.

I fell to the floor and started crying, and mumbling to myself, my head clouded over and I felt the dark take over my brain.

_As you claw the thin ice_

/

"Bella, Bella? Honey are you okay?" I felt someone shaking my arm; I groggily opened my eyes and looked up at a worried Alice.

"Alice she was- she was here. She was there. I – I can't escape can't stop it. Help me Alice."

Alice pulled me in to a hug and soothed me, I began crying again all over Alice's dress and I felt guilt gnaw at me. I moved me head and sniffled rubbing my nose with me hand.

"Come on B, take this. It'll help, you know it will." I opened my mouth and she slipped two pills in before I swallowed, she rubbed my back some more until I could think clearly again. I looked at Alice and she smiled.

"Better?" I swallowed and nodded. I stood up and looked at my make up in the mirror; ugh I looked like death warmed up.

"I'll sort that B, you sit on the bed."

Alice had come and fixed not only my face but my broken nerves, she'd saved me from my fears. I pulled her close and kissed her cheek. She smiled and looked at me.

"Love you doll, but you aren't my type." I laughed she always knew what to say, she knew what that kiss had meant, it was a thank you for saving me but she'd brushed it off I wouldn't have wanted her to react any other way.

"Shall we go? I'm ready to party till dawn" She shimmied and grabbed me hand, pulling me out of my apartment; we took the elevator down in silence, crossing the hall and exiting I nodded at the door man.

The fresh air felt good in my lungs, I had a feeling the pills were starting to take their effect, and I stood inhaling the air beginning to spin. I felt good, I felt free, something I hadn't felt like in years.

/


	4. Another Brick in the Wall Pt 1

Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 1

"Babe you are so sexy, how come you're on your own?"

I looked at the guy in front of me, his face was distorted his lips were moving one way and the rest of his face the other way; the pills Alice had given me had definitely taken effect I was feeling light, I think if I thought about it hard enough I could float I was feeling that light. The guy had approached me at the bar just as Alice had went to the toilet, I wasn't paying much attention to him I wasn't interested. I was wrapped up in my warm little world, I felt like a little ball of light was inside of me and it had taken the darkness and lit up my whole body.

"I'm not alone, could you go away please? You're harshening my buzz."

"Baby come on, how can I leave a pretty little thing like you all alone."

He was starting to go from irritating to creepy, his hand had moved to my leg and it was running up and down my thigh, I shuddered and moved away from him standing up before giving him a look and walking away.

I walked in to the bathroom looking for Alice; she had a habit of disappearing on me.

"Allie, where the fuck are you?" There was no answer so I walked back out of the bathroom, and caught sight of her at the bar; relief flooded through me.

"There you are I've been looking for you all over, some disgusting lout was coming on to me." She laughed and I noticed the girl behind look at me funny, I ignored her and looked at Alice she was slightly drunk.

"Lighten up B, come on have another drink we'll head to somewhere more thumping in a bit."

I ordered rum and coke and sipped it at the bar while Alice danced about happily, I was happy to just stand at the bar. I wasn't sure what the time was and that made me slightly uneasy but I kept myself calm, Alice was having a good time so I tried to relax. She danced over and ordered me to down my drink, I did and ordered another the alcohol slid in to my system and I began to relax mellowing, my mind becoming hazier by the minute.

/

Alice and I were on the dance floor dancing closely together, I didn't feel comfortable there were so many bodies sliding around me. I was sweating but I don't know if that was the effect of the pills, I looked down at my arms and my skin was distorted and lumpy, my hands didn't seem their own. A pair of hands slid around my waist, and I felt someone begin to grind on my backside, my heart began to race and I struggled to move away, I looked in front of me hoping to get Alice's support but she was nowhere in sight. I pushed to get away from the arms around me but they held tight, my heart was now in my throat and my breathing was shallow. My arms had now taken on life of their own, I lifted up my hand and it slowly began to melt away in front of me; and that's where I panicked I screamed but the music was too loud I pushed away from the person holding on to me. The force made me fall to the ground and I lay there paralysed, breathing heavy my vision starting to turn black, I needed Alice I shouldn't have come out tonight I knew it.

I was picked up but by then in my panicked state I couldn't hear and my vision was still dark, I prayed it wasn't the guy 'dancing' with me, I felt myself being placed down somewhere. I slowly forced myself to calm down but it wasn't working, my heart was beating too fast and my breathing was all out of sync, I was going to pass out I knew it.

"Jasper is she okay?"

/

It was bright when I woke up, really bright. I reached over to grab my pills out the draw to ease my spinning head, god I hate partying why did I let Alice talk me in to it? I reached out and my hand met nothing, I opened my eyes. FUCK, I wasn't in my room; I wasn't even in my own bloody house! I was in someone else's bed, albeit a very comfortable and nice smelling bed but not my own. Oh god please tell me I didn't go back to that guys, fuck this is just shit.

I started panting my breathing going shallow and unsteady, shit, I needed to get out. I climbed out of bed and looked down at myself, I was in a man's shirt and boxers, they'd either undressed me or we'd had sex. The options were not looking good, I started panicking looking for my clothes, I was in that much of a rush that I didn't hear the door open till I heard a familiar voice.

"Not staying for breakfast?" I knew that voice, I spun around open mouthed looking at my old college friend Jasper Whitlock.

"You? You… brought me here? How?" He smiled sadly and motioned for me to follow him; I walked slowly behind Jasper studying my surroundings. Okay I was in a flat I knew that much, it was nicely decorated but then again Jasper always did have good taste, he'd been in my architecture class at college and we'd become close.. Well as close as I allowed people to become. After Victoria died I lost contact with everyone, Jasper included. We walked down a set of stairs in to the kitchen; he motioned for me to sit down.

"Why don't we talk over breakfast? You must be starving." He smiled that old familiar smile that used to make me feel so comfortable, I took a bun and some bacon fashioning a small sandwich waiting for him to continue.

"You won't lie to me Bella will you?" I shook my head, I'd never lied to him so far I don't see why I should now, it was strange how easily I'd fallen back in to the same pattern with Jasper so quickly.  
"Okay last night I was out with my sister and a few friends, I saw you there. You looked panicked; you fell and sort of knocked yourself out. Had you taken anything?"

I nodded and he sighed loudly. "Hmm. I brought you back here and made sure you were okay, what were you doing out on your own so clearly unable to look after yourself Bella? I was scared when I saw you there, I haven't seen you in so long and to see you like that; it was awful."

So he hadn't seen Alice, I swallowed part of my sandwich and answered. "I wasn't by myself I was with my friend Alice, that's part of the reason I freaked I couldn't find her, we were dancing together."

"I only saw you dancing with a guy; I must have missed your friend. How are you? I haven't seen you since the funeral, I tried calling but I got no answer. I never stopped worrying about you, I called over to your mom's place but she was as distant as you." I swallowed loudly, I hadn't realised I had shut him out. I didn't think anyone was that bothered about me. Jasper had took hold of my hands from the other side of the table, I felt warmth spring up in my belly and tears prick the corner of my eyes; I wasn't used to this amount of tenderness.

I tried to speak but my voice cracked and before I knew it I was crying or should I say ugly sobbing; Jasper moved round the table and pulled me close hugging me this only made me cry more.

"I don't think I can cope any more " Was all I managed to get out, Jasper started rubbing my back and I felt myself relaxing on him it was overwhelmingly nice to have someone comfort me and look after me. He moved my body so I was on his lap, and held me until I stopped sobbing and my tears had eased off, my breathing was still off and I was hiccuping but I felt better letting a bit of the tension inside of me out.

"Bella please talk to me, what's wrong?"

I didn't know whether I should tell him I only ever told Alice these things, she understood. I don't think I could tell him about the nightmares, the things that haunted me and the shapes which came out of nowhere. I couldn't tell him, he'd think I was crazy.

"I'm fine Jasper, honestly I'm just over tired I think and those pills I took yesterday probably didn't help anything." No need to tell him you take pills daily Bella, good job. He didn't seem convinced but nodded anyway which I was thankful for, we sat in silence, I was still in Jaspers lap and I felt content. Jasper and I, I guess we'd been close in college I would have called him one of best friends, I hadn't realised up until now how much I missed him.

"What time is it?"

"10:15. Do you have somewhere you need to be?" I shook my head and moved from Jaspers lap, I wanted to go I wanted to lie in my bath and hope Alice turned up so I knew she was okay. I was about to speak when the kitchen door opened and another guy, I presume Jaspers room-mate, walked in.

"Hey. Didn't realise you had company…" I turned around and looked at the intruder, he was tall but a little bit smaller than Jasper, his hair was a mess on top of his head and he had a beautiful shaped jaw line. His eyes were the brightest green that I'd ever seen, I looked down and he was wearing a t-shirt and shorts, his clothes splattered with paint.

"Hey Edward, this is Bella." I bobbed my head at him, my socially awkward tendencies making an appearance.

"Nice to meet you Bella. Do we have an coffee?"

They started talking about where the coffee was and what not, I took this as my chance to leave the room I walked back up to Jaspers room and found my clothes I slipped them on ready to get out and do the walk of shame back to my apartment. Once I was ready I walked out in to the hall to find Jasper standing there.

"Leaving without saying goodbye?" I stood looking like a total dork with my mouth open, I shrugged and opened my mouth idiotically thinking of what to say.

"It's okay I understand, how about we meet up during the week? We can talk, I don't want you to walk out of my life again Bella."

"Sure, I'd like that."

"Here's my number, call me sometime during the week yeah?" He handed me a strip of paper and I slipped it in to my coat pocket, I wavered unsure do I give him a hug? I had no idea what I was meant to do, I let Jasper decide and he pulled me in to a hug that had my knees wobbling and eyes watering. Fucking emotions.

"Thank you Jasper, I'll speak to you later." He smiled and nodded, I walked down the stairs and found my way to the front door, and I escaped in to the hallway and breathed out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. Fucking hell, I need to get home.

/

**As always thank you for reading, I just have one request and this isn't one of those review or I won't**** upload I'll upload regardless I just would find it helpful if some/any of you reviewed because I'm not sure if I'm moving things to fast/if you understand what I'm writing about etc. **


	5. The Happiest Days Of Our Lives

The Happiest Days of Our Lives.

_Victoria Rae Swan_

_15/05/1981-04/06/2012_

_Taken from us too soon; a beloved daughter, sister and wife. Forever loved and forever missed._

_Rest in Heaven beautiful girl._

Victoria's grave was beautiful; it was a simple head stone on a small plot of land in Trinity Church Cemetery. I very rarely ever came to Victoria's grave as awful as that sounded, I didn't ever feel close to my sister in life so I didn't really see it as my place to come constantly, I didn't find comfort here. Whenever I thought of Victoria I just felt guilt and anger run through my mind, anger for the way she treat myself and my father and guilt because an hour before she died I'd been on the phone to her and ended the call telling her I hated her. The last words I had said to my sister were ones of hate that was something which would haunt me forever.

I hadn't realised I had been walking to the cemetery until I was there; I knew what had brought me here, the niggling doubt in my head. Had I seen her in my apartment or had I imagined it? Standing here in front of her grave, I knew it was my mind it was the shadows in my head playing tricks again. I placed the flowers I'd brought for my sister on her grave, and stand down on the grass to calm my thoughts; today had been stressful and my mind was paying the price.

I lit a cigarette and mulled over everything which had happened these past few days.

/

"_HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BELLA!" _

_I walked in to the front room of the apartment half hidden behind my papa; the room was full of family friends, people from school and members of my family. There was a big banner spread across the wall and hundreds of balloons bobbing about, I didn't like it. All of the attention was turned on me, all of the eyes looking at me. I was conscious that everybody was here because of me, and that I'd have to go around the room and thank them all for coming. I gripped my papa's hand tightly and he squeezed it back, he hadn't been feeling well lately he'd been tired locked in his room and I was thankful he'd felt well enough to come down for my birthday, I needed him here beside me._

_I was passed around the room, my cheek continuously squeezed by grown-ups and my hair ruffled, people I didn't know hugged me and I smiled graciously the only thing I knew I could do right, because if I opened my mouth at this moment I was sure something ridiculous would have come out._

"_Happy Birthday baby sister, it's so lovely to see you. You look marvellous, are you having a good day?" Victoria appeared out of the crowd, giving me a hug and smiling down at me, I hadn't realised that Victoria had returned for my birthday she'd started Brown and rarely came home. I looked up at my sister, she looked beautiful her smile was big and her hair was shiny she was wearing a lovely dress which showed off her dainty figure. I hugged her back quickly returning to my safe place beside my papa; Victoria eventually looked at him, her eyes scanning him up and down before speaking._

"_Hi father nice to see you."_

"_It's wonderful to see you sweet heart, how are you?" She winced when he called her sweet heart, before smiling the same empty smile mother used on papa._

"_Fine. Try not to ruin her day will you?" My papa cringed and she sauntered off back in to the crowd, I looked up at my poor papa and squeezed his hand. There were a lot of children from my school at the party, none that I particularly knew I didn't really have many friends they all thought I was weird, I didn't mind I stuck next to my best friend content and happy that he was here with me._

_My mother smiled wearily over at us, before calling everyone over to the main table which had a large extravagant cake placed in the centre of it. I was seated in between my papa and mother they hadn't spoken yet and I tried my best to make him smile. He was sitting looking sad and empty, I blamed my mother and Victoria they were too horrible to him._

"_Happy Birthday baby, are you having a nice time?" I nodded looking at my mother, she had us pose for a couple of photos but gave up after a while when she saw I was uninterested in anything that didn't included my daddy. _

_After the cake, the event started to slow down and cliques began to form people began to chat amongst themselves. This probably wasn't how I normal ten year olds party played out, but I didn't really care I didn't want a party so I didn't feel as though I was missing out._

"_Daddy, am I weird?" He had been staring in to space for a while looking vacant, when I spoke he snapped out of his trance and pulled me on to his lap._

"_Littlest B, why would you ask something so silly? You young lady are my favourite girl on the planet and the most beautiful, I love you more than life itself and if people think you're weird then let them. I love you, your family loves you and that's all that matters." _

_I felt that warm happy feeling start growing in my belly and I cuddled papa closely, I didn't need anyone other than him. We sat like that for a while until he suddenly put me down and walked out of the room, my mother watched him like a hawk. I didn't know where he had gone, after about 10 minutes I heard a loud crash, there were a number of loud bangs and the sounds of things being thrown about and that's when my mother left the room. _

_Everyone was looking at the door from where my mother ran out of, it felt like hours since she'd gone and I ran over to try and find out where my papa had gone when I scooped up by my grandpa._

"_There's the birthday girl, now where are you running off to?"_

"_I wanna find my daddy, where's he gone?" I don't think people realised that I noticed that their faces changed whenever my papa was mentioned, all of the emotion was washed from their faces and they became deadly serious in an instant._

"_I think he's busy with your mommy little one, why don't you sit with grandma and me?" I shook my head; they must think I'm stupid something was going on in there._

"_Victoria's just went through there? So why can't I?"_

_He was about to answer when Victoria walked back in to the room looking flustered._

"_I'm so sorry everyone but something has cropped up, so if you all wouldn't mind leaving that would be great. Again I'm really sorry, thank you for coming!" _

_I sat with my grandparents as everyone began to exit the room; they headed out quickly mumbling amongst themselves. I could see them all looking at me with worry and pity, I didn't understand? Why am I always the last to know anything?_

"_Poor Renee, I don't understand why she doesn't just have him put away…"_

"_It's the children I feel sorry for did you see the way Bella was with him, it's dangerous…"_

_What were they talking about? What was dangerous? Why did they feel sorry for me? I got up determined to walk in to the living room, as I got to the door Victoria walked out again._

"_Grandpa, momma says can Bella stay at your house tonight? He's bad this time; she doesn't want Bella here for this."_

"_Of course sweet heart, shall we take her now?"_

_I looked at Victoria then at my grandpa they were hiding something and I was going to find out what, I pushed past Victoria and ran in to the room where my mother and papa had gone. The room looked like it had been completely destroyed, the television had been ripped off of the wall and thrown to the floor, the couches were in ruin the whole room was a mess. I ran through trying to find my dad, I went in to the kitchen and found him, the sight broke my heart he was on the floor sobbing loudly and my mother was holding his tightly rocking him._

"_Charlie it's okay, come back to me Charlie please. I love you." She was making soothing noises like she made for me when I was little._

"_Papa? Are you okay? What's wrong with him?" My mother looked up her eyes full of tears and worry all over her face._

"_Isabella, what are you doing in here? I told Victoria… Oh god, get out! Go now!" I was about to protest but I was picked up by grandpa and removed from the room, I struggled and squirmed what was wrong with my daddy? He was crying, was it my fault? Was he hurt? _

"_I just think it's best if she stays with you, mom doesn't want her anywhere near him. She's too young, I mean I wish I didn't know but I do… Bella there you are! What do you think you're doing running in there? I told you, you have to go with grandma and grandpa! I've packed you a bag, I'll pick you up tomorrow be good okay?"_

_I glared at Victoria but followed my grandparents knowing I didn't have a choice, mother and Victoria made all the decisions around here; they thought they knew everything. Once in grandpa's car it didn't take me long to fall asleep although I tried my hardest to stay awake and listen to what my grandparents were talking about._

_/_

I opened my eyes, realising I was lay down on the grass beside my sisters grave. I must have fell asleep or something, I sat up when I noticed there was a shadow standing over me; I looked over my shoulder ready to apologise to whoever was there.

"Littlest B, my little girl, there you are. You've finally woken sleeping beauty."

"Papa? What are you doing here?"

"I like to come see Victoria, it helps with the guilt that I feel when it comes to the both of you." He sat down on the grass beside me and took my hand and smiled his whole face crinkling, I felt a lump appear in the back of my throat. Oh god.

"How have you been Bella? You look conflicted."

"I don't know papa, I feel like I'm going crazy most of the time. The images in my head are back again and it scares me so much, sometimes I feel like if I'm trapped behind a wall and my emotions keep my there." His brow furrowed and he pulled me over so I was in his arms, I felt the tears start and then I couldn't stop, he rubbed my back soothingly.

"Easy there Bella, come on breathe. You're okay, you're safe I'm here with you." I sniffled and rubbed my face on his shirt.

"Where have you been? I feel like I haven't seen you in ages."

"You know where I am sweet heart." His smile was sad and for some reason what he had said broke my heart and I felt the tears return.

"Why does she have to keep you locked away? Can you not come and stay with me? I need you daddy. I don't know what I'm doing and I think I'm going to breakdown half the time, I'm so low and sad…"

"Isabella look at me, I'm always here and whenever you need me I promise I'll be there. I love you, I will always love you, but you need to start moving with your life, you're a smart beautiful girl darling, you can't hide in your shell forever, it'll kill you eventually."

I don't know how long we held each other or when I fell asleep but when I awoke it was getting dark and I was cold and alone. I looked all around me to see if my papa was anywhere near, when he wasn't I felt something inside of me snap the tears came in floods, I couldn't hold back the sobs and I stood up walking home crying my heart out. I felt sick and tired, I needed to get home quickly because I was starting to get the feeling and the light feeling my papa had brought with him was disappearing. I felt like the lightness inside of me was fading, I had so many unanswered questions and I had no one to talk to them about, I was alone. I was always alone, I would die alone.

Would my life have been easier if I hadn't been born? Would my life be easier if I died? Flashes of images ran through my mind of another time, of cold metal touching my wrist of a strange and cold place I lived in emotionally and physically. Of voices in my head, of people around me. Shame, fear, sadness, loneliness, like my world had crashed around me, like the reason I was alive had been destroyed. Why had I felt that alone? Why couldn't I remember?

_/_


	6. Another Brick in the Wall Pt 2

Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2.

I don't know how long I'd been in bed; come to think of it I can't even remember getting to my bed. I just remember the tiredness rolling over me in waves, and I'd taken to my bed to save myself from the mental torture which was running through my mind. I couldn't figure out a way to turn off the colours and images in my head, I'd started taking three pills instead of two but even my usual trusty pills had become powerless against the power of the darkness. I imagined the darkness inside of me to be like a large snake, rolling inside of my stomach growing and making the awful feeling inside of me swell as it grew, feeding on the small amount of lightness that was left. The snake was intent on destroying any good parts I had left in my life, it didn't care about what it was doing to me, it didn't care that it was killing me slowly and painfully. It just carried on swallowing me from the inside out.

I couldn't do anything I was powerless and weak, I'd taken to lying in my bed all day and when the torture got too much I would pass out, waking up in the early morning and forgetting I'd been asleep. My life had become a huge blur and I was struggling gripping the edge of the fish bowl I was swimming in, trying my best to keep my grip but I was slipping and the water was going to envelop me eventually and drown me. I knew the darkness would kill me, it was just a matter of when, my body was suffering physically from this torture as well as mentally, and I hadn't eaten since I'd been stuck in this mental sink hole. Whenever I managed to find the strength to sit up my body swayed and I fell in and out of bouts of dizziness because of how weak my body had become.

I felt like a prisoner in my own home and mind, I'd started seeing things in my own home and I couldn't tell if it was the darkness playing tricks or if it was actually some kind of demon from my nightmares, which had come to take me away. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something in my home, something watching me that was the scariest part. It was watching and waiting till I was at my weakest so that it could capture me and take me. The thought left me paralysed with fear and I couldn't shake this feeling, I couldn't function knowing that at any moment this creature could appear.

I managed to get out of bed on the fourth attempt; the dizziness had subsided by then. I stumbled in to the bathroom and I hated what I saw in the mirror, I looked dead, I looked zombie like, my face, was that my face? I needed to remember to start eating, my appetite was just non-existent these days and it was so easy to forget to eat when I wasn't hungry. I sat on the toilet seat with my head in my hands, I just felt so weak and lifeless, surely I wasn't born to end up this sad?

Something moved out of the corner of my eye and I felt my heart beat start to race, I stood up quickly and it moved again on the other side of the room. I was on edge, I felt tense my fight of flight instincts kicking in, I swallowed hard and heard a noise in my room that was all it took for me to freak. I slammed the bathroom door and climbed in to the bath curling up and screaming. Whatever it was, was coming closer it was coming to get me; I could hear it banging on the bathroom door, scraping its nails trying to get in at me. My voice was hoarse from how much I screamed, tears were streaming down my face, my stomach was in knots I thought it had gone. I thought it had left me, why was I haunted by this creature? Why did it want to destroy me?

/

**Sorry this is short, but I have like three essays to do and I want to get them out of the way as quickly as possible. I had planned this to be a little longer so I am sorry but I guess it works in the way it enables to you to see how Bella's emotional health deteriorates. Thank you for reading, have a lovely day. Peace and Love xxx **


	7. Mother

**Mother.**

_Mother should I build a wall?_

My entire body was numb, I'd fallen asleep on the floor after the creature had stopped banging on the bathroom door, I stood up and stretched wobbling ever so slightly. My entire body ached, and I was suffering from a case of the shakes, I sat on the toilet seat do I go out there? That thing could still be out there, but I couldn't stay in here forever. I shuddered thinking what would happen if I went out there and the creature was still there, but then again it was always there it was always lurking around waiting for the opportune moment to attack.  
I sighed, I needed to get out I had planned to call Jasper today and see if he wanted to do something, after seeing Jasper I'd realised how little social interaction I had, plus I'd forgotten how much I'd missed him.

/

After taking two pills my heart was beating at a steady easy rhythm and I picked up the phone to call Jasper.  
"Hello?"  
"Hi Jazz, it's me Bella…"  
"Bella! I would be lying if I said I'd expected you to call. How are you?"  
"Yeah, I'm sorry about when I was at your house, I just had to get out I felt awkward. I'm sorry. I err I actually called to see if you wanted to do something today. If you're busy it's.."  
"Nope, I'm free when would you like to meet?"  
"Errrm, well how about in an hour at the Met steps?"  
"That's fine with me, right I'll see you in an hour, and Bella I'm really glad you called."  
"Me too. Bye Jasper."  
"Bye."

I hadn't felt this happy about something in a long time, I happily got ready feeling elated as well as high but that was probably because of the pills I had just ingested, I decided to dress up for the occasion. Don't get me wrong this was not because I had feelings for Jasper, well I did have feelings for him but of the platonic nature, I wanted to look good though. The last time he'd seen me I was pretty out of it and looked scummy at the very least; I walked in to my wardrobe and picked out a patterned midi skirt. It fit well but then again I wasn't surprised, I didn't have much of an appetite and my figure had suffered for it, I looked curve less and boyish but the skirt at least made it look like I had a bum. I slipped on my papas Hendrix t shirt and a necklace he'd given to me on our family trip to Greece, I loved wearing my papas clothes I felt like he was with me and I loved feeling him around me I didn't get to see him often so it was a comfort to me.  
It didn't take me long to get ready so I left early, I loved days like this when I didn't feel chained down by anxiety so I decided to walk to the Met and enjoy this feeling while it was here, because it didn't ever last long. I grabbed my bag and headed out, the air was pretty crisp it had an autumn chill to it but it was nice I loved the wind ruffling through my hair and catching my cheeks. I felt alive. I lit a cigarette and headed in to the hustle and bustle, my skin felt tingled from the feeling of freedom. I probably looked like a complete and utter idiot but I could have danced for joy, this feeling of lightness over took me and I was floating on a cloud of peace. I sat down on the steps and waited for Jasper I was early but I'd brought my iPod so I lay back and let David Gilmour lull me in to a trance.

"I haven't kept you to long have I?" I sat up and couldn't help but smile, there he was. The sun hit Jasper just the right way and he looked like an angel glowing in front of me; maybe that's what he was an angel? Here to help me fight the demons. I smiled and stood up shaking my head I pulled him close, hugging him feeling him in my arms. He smelt beautiful like pine and earth, the way angels should feel.

"No I left early; I was just enjoying the day." I beamed up at him and he looked at me funny, did I have something in my teeth?  
"Are you okay? Your eyes look huge…"  
"I'm fine, so what shall we do?" He gave me a cynical look but shook his head and took my hand.  
"Shall we take a walk? I think you owe me a catch up."  
He took my hand and we began to walk in to the park, I bided my time waiting for Jasper to ask what I'd been up I didn't really have a clue what to tell him, because I didn't really have an answer myself. What had I been doing? I'd been haunted by demons within me for as long as I could remember they just grew worse and worse as I got older, I couldn't figure out what had made them worse no matter how hard I tried.

"How long have you been taking drugs Bella?" I let go of his hand and looked at him, I mean sure he knew I'd taken drugs that night I'd found him but I didn't look like I'd taken anything today. The pills I took were just to calm me down, what if he thought I was a drug addict? What if he didn't want to talk to me? I've came all this way to see him now he's going to leave me? They all leave, they all leave me, I'm going to be alone the darkness will take me when I'm alone. I can't go back there not again.

"Bella, sweet heart, breathe come on. Breathe Bella its okay I didn't mean to… Shit I'm so sorry for bringing that up. Here have a sip of water, sit down you're shaking. Bella?"

My vision began to clear up, I was sitting with my head between my legs and Jasper was rubbing my back soothingly, I felt like I was going to throw up my heart was beating incessantly. Oh god he hates me.

"I-I'm I'm so sorry Jasper, I'm so sorry."  
"No Bella I'm sorry it's none of my business to pry, stay sitting Bella. You're white as a ghost." I tried to get up, I had to get away he probably hated me now; I was disgusting I didn't blame him. I was pathetic.  
I looked up and him and he stared down at me, a worried look on his face. He ran his hands through his hair and sat down next to me, taking my hand and pulling me close to him, I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed him in my heart was racing and I wanted to remember him as much as I could before he left.

"I'm sorry, I'm just worried about you Bell. I haven't seen you in so long, and when I saw you the other week I was so scared and then today you just look out of it. Bella are you okay? I'm not going to leave you I promise I just.. I'm here if you need me."  
What could I tell him? Seriously though how could I tell him that I dreaded being alone but hated being surrounded by people at the same time, that there were days I couldn't move from my bed because I heard voices and saw people. I was messed up and half the time I was on the verge of doing something reckless or borderline dangerous, I shouldn't be in his life I was screwed up but I couldn't let him go not again. I needed someone.

"I'm struggling to keep my head about water most days Jasper, it's so hard and I'm haunted by things that I can't even explain." Why did I say that? Shit now I sound crazy, well I already knew I was but why did I tell him.  
"Are things as bad as they were before?" I nodded and he pulled me closer, holding me tight like he wanted to keep the badness out, keep me safe and mend whatever was broken inside of me.  
"I'm sorry Bella, sorry that I didn't try harder to find you. I'll not ruin our day going over the past but we do need to talk about things and I'm here when you're ready, do you remember my sister Charlotte?"  
I vaguely remembered a beautiful blonde haired girl, who'd met us for coffee a long time ago. I nodded lazily feeling anxious but calm, my mind was a mess, hell I was a mess.  
"She's having dinner tonight, come with me? As a friend I mean.."

I nodded I couldn't refuse him, he was looking like I was going to disappear on him. So I held his hand and nodded, my voice had decided to stop working so head nods and hand signals were all I could go on at the moment.

/

After spending the day with Jasper I felt like the part of me which was squashed and controlled by my inner darkness had a chance to live again. My hand had been firmly attached with Jaspers for the entire afternoon and I'd never felt so happy in my entire life, we were currently making our way to Jaspers sister flat which was on the Upper West side. I hadn't done anything out of the ordinary with Jasper, we'd walked around town and browsed shops but it meant everything to me, Jasper had a way of enabling me to voice what I wasn't able to voice. He was able to coax the little lightness inside of me out.

"This is it, she lives on the third floor. Are you feeling okay?"

I nodded and smiled, I did feel relatively okay, my anxiety was up but that was to be expected I wasn't a people person so meeting new people was daunting to me; but I had my angel by my side so I felt like I could do this.

Jaspers sisters apartment was beautiful, the entire place smelt like jasmine incense and it was a paradise for my music senses everywhere I looked there was band memorabilia. It was simple and different, but I loved it there was something about this place that had my heart beat mellow like I'd taken a bennie.

"Jasper, there you are! I was wondering when you'd turn up, Edward's here already, he said you were out with a friend. This is her I presume, oh sorry I forgot my manners, hi I'm Charlotte, Jaspers better looking sibling." She moved forward and pulled me in to a hug, I was paralysed for a few seconds, unsure of what to do but the warmness pulled me forward and I moved my arms to reciprocate the gesture.

"Hello, I'm Bella."  
"Bella? Oh gosh, I knew I recognised your face, I'm so sorry how rude of me. Come along we're almost ready for dinner, I love your shirt by the way is it vintage?"  
"It's my dad's." I smiled and followed her through, aware that Jaspers eyes were on me watching me closely, we walked through in a small dining room where two more people were waiting. The boy from Jaspers flat was there and another I presumed to be Charlotte's fiancée, Charlotte pushed me in to the seat beside Jaspers friend and Jasper sat next to me.

"Hello there, I didn't properly introduce myself last time, I'm Edward, and that guy over there is Peter."  
Peter smiled and nodded his head, he was very good looking, blonde and well-built with a soft and delicate face but nothing compared to Jaspers friend, I mean Edward, I mean at him and introduced myself softly. I felt embarrassed, I'd crashed their meal and now I was going all socially awkward on them, I wanted nothing more than to start a conversation and ease my way in but I had no idea what I was meant to say. My throat was dry and my palms were sweaty, I needed to take a pill before I choked, maybe I could go to the bathroom and sneak one.

"So… how do you know Jasper?" I looked up from my lap and smiled at Jasper.  
"We went to college together, Jasper was pretty much my only friend at college.." Jasper grabbed my hand under the table and rubbed his thumb soothingly on the back of my hand, something which Edward didn't miss. I felt uncomfortable for the first time with Jasper holding my hand, I looked up at Edward and his eyes were boring in to me, he was beautiful possibly the most beautiful guy I had ever seen in my entire life. I felt like his eyes were looking in to my soul, looking inside of me, this was the first time that I had ever wanted to know someone.

"Bella was always the better architect; she was like my own little Howard Roark." I smiled at Jasper and instantly felt guilty for doing so, after that the awkwardness of the evening was broken. I joined in conversation every now and again, but I was comfortable sitting there listening in, I felt like I was inside a secret circle like someone had opened this hidden door I never knew was there and let me in.  
"Char I'm going for a cigarette, that meal was beautiful thanks ever so much." Edward stood up and I couldn't help it I stood too, what the hell was I doing?  
"Is it okay if I go out for one too?" Charlotte nodded smiling at me, I looked up at Edward and he motioned for me to follow him.

The air outside was cool, and smelt beautiful, I smiled and found a seat on the balcony. Edward followed me out and sat down beside me, it was comfortable and peaceful for once I didn't feel awkward like I had to fill a conversation I was at ease.  
"Are you and Jasper together?"  
I wanted to ask him why he cared, why this beautiful boy should care about me seemed rather crazy but then I realised he was probably thinking about his friend; he could probably sense that I was messed up and wanted to keep Jasper safe. I shook my head and hid my face with my hair, I couldn't look him the eye.

"Good." I looked up then and met his gaze, he looked relieved and I saw a faint smile flash on his face, it made him look all the more beautiful and I felt my heart race. This has never happened to me before, could I possibly like him? I'd never liked anyone in my life before, why now? Why here? Why, when I couldn't like someone did this boy have to come along?

We finished our cigarettes in silence and then I followed him back inside. Everyone had moved in to the living room and I sat down next to Jasper, only for Edward to sit next to me, his bare skin touched mine and I felt it. Magic, that was the only way to describe, I felt alive and terrified and perfect all at once, I had no idea what this perfect stranger was doing to me but I liked it, even if I was positive someone like him could never like me.

Conversation started to ease off and I felt my eyes become heavy, Charlotte had given me a glass of wine and I was feeling the effects. I didn't drink all that much so when I did, I showed my true light weight colours, I gave in and rested my head upon Jasper and closed my eyes for a few peaceful minutes.

/

"Is she asleep?"  
"I think so, I don't want to wake her but I'm not sure where she lives… She needs all the rest she can get."  
"She can stay here Jazz, I don't mind. Is she okay? She's so thin, I wanted to keep piling her plate full of food all night."  
"She's okay, Char I'll take her to her mothers, she probably wouldn't react well waking up in a strange place."  
"I'll see you guys later, I'll take a cab to her mothers."  
"Look after her Jasper."  
"I will Edward, see you later."

My eyes were too heavy and I couldn't make them open, no matter how much I tried I wanted to tell Jasper not to take me to my mothers, I couldn't go there. I fought to try and open my eyes but waves of tiredness hit me and I fell back asleep as quickly as I woke.

/

_Mama's gonna keep you right here_

_Under her wing_

_She won't let you fly but she might let you sing_

_Mama will keep baby cosy and warm_

"Jasper? Is that… Bella? Bella? Is she okay Jasper what's happened?"  
"Nothing Mrs Swan, she's sleeping, I took her to my sisters so she could have dinner and she fell asleep and I didn't know where she lived so I brought her here."  
"Thank you, here put her down on the sofa. Phil will take her up, Jasper how is she?"  
"I don't know, she's not well I'm scared for her. I'm going to be here as much as possible, she doesn't seem to be able to talk about what's wrong but I'll help all I can."

"Jasper…. I need to talk to you about Bella. I know she's struggling, I just don't know how much she won't let me in. She never has, I worry so much but I don't know what to do, I didn't know what I was supposed to do about Charlie and then after Victoria. I can't lose her, I almost lost her once and I've lost my family, I can't lose my baby."  
"I won't be going anywhere, I promise I'll look after her the best I can."  
"I just worry she's suffering like her father did, Charlie well it took us a long time to realise he had…. schizophrenia I worry…. I worry Bella may…."  
"Renee, sweet heart come on its okay. Bella's here with us, we'll make sure she's alright. Thanks so much Jasper."

_Mother did it need to be so high_

/

**Well I'm back, all essays done I'm now free from the holidays. I hope you liked that and I hope I'm not going too over the top with anything, I make sure to do my research on everything I do, but if you have any opinions feel free to tell me. **

**Thanks for reading and I'll update soon, peace and lovexo**


	8. Goodbye Blue Sky

**Goodbye Blue Sky.**

Did you see the frightened ones?

"_Charlie please can you calm down? Why don't we wait and talk about this in the morning? Did you take your meds today?"  
It was 3:45 and my mother was screaming the house down at my papa, I lay in bed and listened to them yelling, their arguments in the early hours of the morning had become more and more frequent. Actually they argued none stop, my mother claimed that my papa was wearing her down and my papa well… I hadn't seen him; he'd been locked away in his study working. I blamed her, she kept him away, she probably told him he couldn't see me.  
My mother and sister were relentless when it came to teaming up on my papa, I tried my hardest to stand up for him but my opinion was invalid, especially since I'd embarrassed my mother at a formal event. I'd had an episode, and went out of control, I'd tried to explain to her how I'd been feeling but she didn't listen I don't think she wanted to listen; the only person who understood what was going on with me was my father. _

Did you hear the falling bombs?  
_  
__The yelling got louder and I climbed out of bed, they usually stopped when I came in to their room, I always felt like I needed to protect__ my papa. We were like two peas in a pod, he was my ray of sunshine, he helped me when I struggled with my sadness, my mother didn't know how to deal with a failure for a daughter._

"_Charlie stop please, can you not see that this isn't you? Come back to me my love, I love you and only you!"  
"I don't give a fuck Renee; do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't realise that you're ashamed of me? You go off with those friends of yours, those lovers. You're all conspiring against me, and I fucking know it."  
My dad was on the loveseat his knees bent and curled up rocking himself back and forth my mother was standing at the window I ducked down and watched for a bit ready to jump to my papas defence when necessary. He thought my mother was having an affair, it wouldn't have surprised me. _

Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter, when the promise of a brave new world unfurled beneath a clear blue sky?

"_Charlie please, don't do anything you'll regret later. I love you I always will."  
My papa fell and began sobbing in to the carpet, it broke my heart to see him like this, he was so hurt so broken. I wanted to hug him the way he did me and tell him everything would be okay, we'd get through it we would.  
"It's not enough is it? It's never going to be enough? I'm never going to be normal and give you the life you deserve. I've ruined it with my fucked up self, Renee I can't go on like this anymore, with them constantly watching over my shoulder. I can't do it; I've always loved you darling, even if you didn't love me."_

Did you see the frightened ones?

_I couldn't move with shock and fear, my papa had pulled out a gun from the pocket of his robe, he held it to his head sobbing, I jumped up and screamed as his finger pulled the trigger my mother was so close but it was too late. The sickening bang went off and my father collapsed on to the floor, a bullet hole punched through his head, I ran over to where my mother was next to his body. I touched him but he didn't move he WAS alive! He couldn't be dead. My papa isn't dead; he promised that he'd always be there for me. He promised, he wouldn't leave me alone, I couldn't keep my head alive anymore everything was going cloudy, the last thing I heard were my mother's screams then my head hit the carpet..._

Did you hear the falling bombs?  
The flames are all gone**, but the pain lingers on**.

_/_

I woke up tears streaming down my face, my body shaking with loud sobs falling from body. I sniffled and tried to move, only to find that my body was being held by another, I turned my head and looked up; hoping it was my papa here to soothe me from my horrific nightmare.  
It wasn't. I looked up, at my mother, there was a passing moment where I allowed her to hold me, I took solace in her arms around me, my ears slowly began to hear again.

_Goodbye, blue sky_

"Shh, come one Bella, it's alright. It was a dream."  
I moved out of her embrace, back against the wall. I realised where I was, I was in her apartment, how had I gotten here?  
"Your friend Jasper brought you last night, he's worried about you Bella. I'm wor-"  
"Where's papa? I want to see him; I need to talk to him about my dream."

_Goodbye, blue sky._

I watched my mother's face crumble and her eyes widen with shock and disbelief, what did she suddenly expect me to forgive her for everything? For all those times when I was young, for not caring about me? Taking my papa away from me? I wasn't an idiot; I knew it was her who hid him away, embarrassed by both him and me.  
"Bella… Your father he's…"  
"Where is he? I need to see him! You can't keep him locked away here, while you play about with that fiancée of yours. You might be able to hide the truth from others but not from me."  
I clambered out of bed, my legs were tanged within the heavy bed sheets, she reached out to touch me but I managed to dodge her. I ran out in to the hall and began searching the rooms looking for the one person I needed most, the burning in my chest began to grow as every room I entered turned out to be empty. Tears burned my ears and my heart rate began to escalate, I needed to calm down before I had an anxiety attack.

_Goodbye._

"Papa?"  
Where was he? I spun around ready to demand and answer but my mother was crouched down crying, I didn't feel sympathy I only felt disgust. I felt nothing but pain and anger when I looked at her, I'd got used to her rejection when I was young but to keep me away from my father was going too far.  
I walked back in to my bedroom and began to get dressed, she was still crying outside and I planned to leave before she recovered from her act.

_Goodbye._

_/_

I ran down the stairs, avoiding the lift, I needed to burn off some anger. I ran through the lobby and outside, it was raining just what I needed, I opened my bag desperately hoping that I'd left something I could take in there. When I found what I needed I swallowed it down quickly and moved along, worried that my mother might actually come following after me. I didn't think my feet knew where they were taking me but apparently subconsciously I'd went to the place where my papa and I had visited when I was younger. The Strand Bookstore was a favourite place of mine and my papas, I used to love watching him look and choose a book, I could always see his face whenever I came to this place. His eyebrows crinkled together looking for a specific book, the way his moustache would twitch when he became excited, my favourite time though was when my papa would come and help me find a book of my own. This place was like my very own memory box and one of the reasons why I would never leave New York.

I walked in and began browsing up and down the aisles, my heart beating heavier with every step I took. I moved to the place I needed to be and pulled out our favourite book, _The Little Prince _by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, my papa used to read this to me when I was younger telling me I reminded him of the Prince. The tears began to fall, and I tried to hide them, I couldn't have a meltdown in public, they'd love that. I opened up and began reading the words that I knew off by heart from my childhood, _"Where are the people?" resumed the little princ__e at last. "It's a little lonely in the desert…" "It is lonely when you're among people, too," said the snake."_ I nodded to myself and sniffled some more, the tears had stopped now but I felt the sadness creeping back instead, the cold feeling inside of me as the pit of emptiness in my chest opened up and the quick sand once again began taking my life away slowly, but always taking.

"Here is my secret. It's quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."

I looked up and fell deep in to the eyes of Edward, I couldn't tear my eyes away and I couldn't find my words to say anything. He was looking dazzling today and my heart began pounding for a whole different reason, his hair was all over the place and his jaw had a light shadowing to it, I couldn't take my eyes off of him and I felt my cheeks warm up because he hadn't broken the stare either.

"Hi." I don't think I could be anymore monosyllabic if I tried.  
"Hello Bella, it's a pleasant surprise seeing you today and awake. How are you feeling today?"  
He sat down in the chair in front of me, and I shuffled back in to my chair, I was aware of how scruffy I looked in yesterday's clothes with tear stains on my face.

"I'm fine t-thanks. I'm so embarrassed about falling asleep, sorry. How are you?"  
He quirked his eye brow and the most beautiful smile I had ever seen graced that glorious face of his, I saw his lips moving but I couldn't hear caught up in the beauty of his face and the fact he had taken time to quote from The Little Prince.  
"I'm sorry, I'm spacey today. What did you say?"  
He chuckled and the sound warmed my insides up once more, warming the ice which had grown inside of me.  
"I said I'm fine, you don't need to apologise Bella. You look wonderful."  
I blushed and awkwardly played with my hair, what was I supposed to say? Was I meant to compliment him back? I gave up trying to reply and smiled, I was blessed with another of his beautiful smiles.

"I was just looking for a poetry book; I was on my way out. If you aren't busy would you like come grab a coffee with me?"

"Sure, I would like that."

I left The Strand by Edwards side, I could feel all the eyes upon me, I knew why people were staring at me they were wondering why someone like that would be with someone like me. I couldn't blame them I was wondering the exact same thing, was this a date? No surely not a boy like that would never take a girl like me on a date. No Edward was just being nice; he probably thought I was Jaspers odd friend who he had to be nice to.

"You're so quiet. It's weird though I like it, it's comforting, I like your quietness. It makes me wonder what's going on in your head."  
"I just don't know what to say, so I don't say anything in case it's weird."  
He spun around so he was standing in front me, I couldn't help but notice all the glares he was getting, people were dodging around him but he didn't seem to care.  
"You should say how you feel more often Bella; you should let people know what's going on. Or what's going on will never get done."  
Who was this guy? Give him a hookah and I would call him the blue caterpillar out of Alice and Wonderland, talking like that, I smiled at him and he stared back. There was something about Edwards stare that made me comfortable and embarrassed all at once, I felt like he was looking in to me seeing me inside as well as out. I couldn't explain it but I wanted him to see me, all of me, I wanted to show Edward everything.  
We continued walking along and I brushed his hand, I moved my hand awkwardly away avoiding looking at him until he captured my hand back in to his own and held it there, I looked at him for about the millionth time and he was smiling down at me.

We stopped outside of a diner and he pulled me in, inside it was warm and it smelt of delicious foods which I'd forgotten how much I wanted to eat. Sitting back in to the booth, I picked up a menu and glanced at Edward over it, there were so many things I wanted to ask him, like was this a date? Why was he bothering talking to me? What poetry book was he looking for? Did he have a girlfriend? My head was buzzing with all of these things that I was desperate for the answer for.  
"Hi there, what can I get you?" I glanced up at the young boy in front of me, and quickly ordered the first thing I saw, his stare made me uncomfortable I forced myself to look at the floor as Edward placed his order then he was gone.  
"Are you okay? Did he make you uncomfortable?" I shook my head, Edward looked annoyed, I think annoyed Edward was probably even more perfect than normal Edward his eyes had gone a deeper green and his cheeks were flushed, wow.  
"I'm fine; I'm just not all that social..."

"Hmm, I wouldn't be all that social if I had an asshole checking me out either. So Bella tell me what do you do?"  
"I- I I'm not doing anything at the moment. I finished college and I planned to travel but m-my I mean my err sister she…died and I kinda put my plans on hold to figure my head out."  
His eyes flashed with sympathy, and I saw his hand twitch before he reached out and held mine, I looked down and smiled softly.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, if it makes you feel any better I'm not doing all that much either I'm trying to get on to an editorial team but it's not working. I'm having no luck."  
I was about to ask him where he was applying for, when the guy came back he placed our food and drinks down before hesitating I looked up and he winked grinning before walking away, I turned to find Edward glaring darkly at his retreating figure. He reminded me of Heathcliff with his angry heavy brow, before I could stop myself I reached out and touched his brow trying to smooth away the annoyed lines on his forehead.  
What the fuck was I doing? I quickly moved my hand and covered my mouth.  
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry I don't know what I was thinking.. I wasn't thinking obviously oh…."  
"Bella, you never have to apologise for touching me. Ever."

If I hadn't been too hungry before, I definitely wasn't hungry now, what was I doing? Was Edward saying that he liked me I was so confused, I didn't have a clue what I was meant to do; I just looked at him probably gaping like a bloody fish. I looked down and picked up a few fries, trying to distract myself from the beautiful boy in front of me, the beautiful boy I couldn't involve myself with.  
"Humour me? Let's play a question game, I ask you a question and you ask me a question."  
I nodded, I probably shouldn't, people asking questions about my life usually led down a slippery slope, I liked to keep my life private and I didn't like people prying.  
"Favourite Hendrix song?"  
How did he know I liked Hendrix, ohh I was wearing my shirt off yesterday. I grinned that was a pretty easy one.

"It's probably Foxy Lady but I love Manic Depression too." He smiled and nodded, what was I meant to ask him?  
"Have you always lived in New York?"  
"I've lived here for about four years now but I grew up in Forks, Washington. It's a pretty nice place, quiet but nice. What about you?"  
"Oh I've lived here all my life, so a local I guess. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else."  
I picked up my burger and began separating the pieces out, I liked to eat my burgers by layer I started with the bun ripping it to pieces before dipping it in to ketchup.  
"Favourite band?"  
His eye brows furrowed as he began to think and I couldn't help but smile looking at him, I felt lucky and pretty normal for once, like I was one of those girls in the movies out with a guy having a normal time.  
"Probably the Stones but my favourite singer is Frank Zappa, you can't beat Frank in my opinion."  
"Are you crazy? Frank Zappa? I mean don't get me wrong he's great and all but come on, I've heard better."  
"Oh have you, well aren't you a regular music snob. Okay my turn before this turns ugly and I have to defend Frank, favourite memory?"  
"Easy. My family and I went on holiday to Greece, and my mother and sister wanted to go shopping so that left my papa and I we spent the entire day walking along the beach. He taught me how to swim that day. Later on we had a picnic and he spent the entire afternoon telling me stories and building sandcastles, I got the worst sunburn ever but I will never ever forget that day." I smiled remembering how warm it had been that day and I'd forgotten to put sun cream on I hadn't realised I'd been burning because my papas stories were the best and he was so proud that I'd learned how to swim, my mother had gone crazy but papa and I had just laughed when she wasn't looking.  
"That sounds beautiful." I nodded munching on the salad in my burger, Edward watched amused I was used to it Jasper used to laugh at how I ate my burgers as well.  
"Yours?"  
"Hmm, I'm not sure actually. It was a holiday memory like yours I'd never actually seen the sea before in person we live near a sea but I was young and my parents were always busy so I never got to go. So during the summer holidays my parents took me and my brother Emmett to the beach and it was the best time, my dad taught me how to fish and I actually caught something, Emmett didn't and he sulked all the way home. He stills sulks about it now actually."  
I couldn't help it I giggled along to his story, it was adorable the way his face lit up while talking about his brother and he got so caught up in telling the story.  
"What's your family like? Oh shit sorry I forget about what you said about your sister scratch that let me think of another."  
"No it's fine… I don't mind. My sister Victoria, she's 8 years well she was 8 years older than me, she's the image of my mother in every way we were never all that close, she was beautiful and confident she was married to this pretty nice guy called James. She.. passed away a year and a half ago in a car accident. My mother is well, I'm not all that close to her, she's beautiful and well I don't really know we haven't gotten on in years so I don't have much to say, my papa is my best friend I don't know what I would do without him. He's the one constant in my life who keeps me going and who I know I can rely on forever, he's the most amazing man in the world and I… oh gosh I'm rambling sorry."

Edward reached over and took my hand smiling, my heart bubbled and melted and I think if he hadn't been holding my hand I may have become a gooey puddle on the floor.  
"It's cute how close you two are, I'm so sorry to hear about your sister I couldn't imagine losing Emmett. My family is pretty tight knit, my mom and dad have been together since high school they still act like goofy teenagers which is pretty embarrassing at times and then there's me and my brother he's 4 years older than me though you wouldn't think it. He's just recently been married to his childhood sweet heart Rosalie. Wait.. Bella are you crying shit I'm sorry. Are you okay?"  
I couldn't stop the traitor tears pouring down my face, maybe it was the dream or the run in with my mother or the fact this beautiful boy in front of me was talking to me and telling me about his life. I couldn't decide but either way my emotions had boiled up and were now spilling over and I couldn't stop. Edward called for the cheque and pulled me round next to him, holding me tightly and I sniffled on his coat, my tears slowly melted away and I managed to calm my heart and my breathing down. I looked up and Edward was looking down at me with the strangest expression on his face that I almost started crying again.  
Edward took my hand and walked outside with me after throwing a twenty at the young boy, we stood in the cold and he pulled me close to him, it had gotten dark I hadn't realised how long we'd been in the diner. He stroked my hair and held me until I could breathe again.  
"Can I see you again Bella?" I looked up at him biting my lip, I wanted to see him again so very much, but what would I do when he found out about the darkness inside of me, what if it spilled over and started to destroy him too? I couldn't do that to him but I couldn't stop my selfish need that wanted to see him again.  
"Y-yes, I would like that." He smiled briefly before pulling out a pen and writing his number on my hand after he was done he passed it to me and held out his hand. I quickly wrote my number down noting how even his hands were perfect, I moved to step away and hail a cab but before I could Edward leaned down and placed his lips against mine.  
I think I now had a new perfect moment, it was magical his lips sent a tingle through mine and down my body until they erupted in to butterflies through my stomach. I pressed my lipd against his and revelled in how they felt against mine, so soft I could stay like this forever, I pulled away breathing him in. We stared at each other for a moment before he hailed down a cab.  
"I'll call you? If that's okay.."  
I nodded eagerly, smiling before climbing in to the cab; he took my hand kissing it. I shut the door and told the taxi driver where I wanted to go, waving to Edward as we drove away. I touched my lips they still tingled, I smiled to myself I felt so light and airy like I could blow away, I smiled and rested my head trying to keep hold of this perfect moment and the perfect boy who had took away the darkness. At least for a while anyway.

/

**I hope you liked that, thanks for reading. Peace and love xo**


	9. Empty Spaces

**Empty Spaces**

_Hello hunters… Congratulations, you have found the secret message. Please send your answer to Old Pink, care of the Funny Farm, Chalfont…_

I felt like I was inside a warm little bubble and that for the moment the sadness within me had melted down to a harmless liquid floating in the base of my stomach, I was relaxing in the bath, thinking about the events of today. I was feeling happy and had only had to take one pill when I came home, my mind kept flashing back to mine and Edwards kiss it was on replay in my head and I had no complaints. I could picture Edward in my head with his perfectly messed up hair, those green eyes that captured me whenever I looked in to them and those dreamy soft lips which had been on mine earlier.  
I touched my mouth and could recall the tingles Edward had sent through my body from merely touching our lips together, I'd never felt like this before in my entire life. This feeling was completely new and alien to me, I'd never been attracted to a boy in my life, I was beginning to think that maybe I was asexual that relationships were something that just were not for me. Edward had given me hope that maybe I could feel like that for someone, maybe I wasn't meant to be alone all my life.  
I had my worries though, could I bring someone in to my life? I mean yes I had feelings for Edward but this was happening quickly and it frightened me, I was inexperienced and I didn't want to fall hard only to end up spurned. I didn't want to taste the forbidden fruit only for it to be ripped away from me, I would rather live my life only seeing love rather than have it and lose it. I don't think I could take it, my emotional state was fragile as it is, I was scared about what would happen if I opened myself to this guy and then lost him. I shook my head, I was thinking far too much as usual, I mean it could have simply been a friendly good bye kiss, my gut and my heart were telling me something different though. Surely the electricity had meant something, I mean that intensity could not happen to just everyone, constantly? I closed my eyes and wished for it to be true.  
My other fear was that Edward would see how emotionally unstable I was and get scared and disappear, what if maybe just maybe he did like me and I did something weird like have an episode and I scared him away? I don't know how I would feel about myself if that happened, I was already prone to a serious amount of self-loathing could I live with myself knowing my inability to cope had scared off a chance to be happy? A chance to be normal? Could I let myself in that deep and do that? Would it not be better for me to just shut things done if that's where things were heading now so I wouldn't get hurt and hurt myself?  
My thinking just led to more and more questions, this was why I was in the bath to try and calm and cool myself off, Edward had left me incredibly hot and bothered something I had never been before.

_What shall we use, To fill the empty spaces, where we used to talk?  
_

"Hello? Where are you Bella?"_  
_I sat up instantly recognising Alice's voice; I jumped out of the bath and wrapped myself up in a towel.

"Alice? I'm in the bathroom, give me five."  
I quickly dried off and put on my pyjamas, I hadn't seen Alice since our night out. I'd stopped being surprised when Alice disappeared on me during our nights out, she often went home with a guy or I went home before her depending on how drunk I was.  
I walked in to my bedroom and smiled at Alice, she was sprawled out on my bed watching some trashy programme on television, I crawled in to bed next to her.  
"Hey Ali, how have you been?"  
"I've been fine, but what about you? I have a feeling that you have something to tell me!"  
I smiled I couldn't help it, it was pretty hard not to smile considering how I was feeling. I was so happy and elated, I felt like I was sixteen having my first crush or something, that's how old you're meant to be when you have your first crush right?  
"I kissed a guy Alice. His name is Edward he's a friend of Jaspers a guy I went to college with. We bumped in to each other today and well one thing led to another and you know! I'm so happy, first off I reconnect with Jasper then I meet Edward, Al he's so beautiful and I'd had the worst day ever he just made me so happy."  
I expected Alice to be happy for me, she had always said to me that I should be out seeing people, that I should hook up with a guy. I remembered going out with her before and she had tried to push me in to seeing this weird guy, obviously I refused. I looked at Alice's face and she looked anything but happy, if anything she looked pretty pissed, I opened my mouth to ask her what was wrong but she beat me to.

"Oh I see how it is, I'm not around for a while and you just up and ditch me? Go off with some new friends and find yourself a guy? Well what about me? Did you ever think about me? I've been here for you from the start, had to watch you cry yourself to sleep or bring you down from whatever crazy high you're on, but the first sign of someone new you forget about me?  
"Alice it's not like that I don't know how I'm meant to get a hold of you, you never answer your phone and you disappeared on me the other night we were out. I would never replace you; you know how important to me you are!"  
She didn't seem any less angry if anything what I said pissed her off even more, she climbed out of bed and stood at the foot of the bed and stared at me angrily. I'd never seen Alice angry in my entire life, my stomach felt like it was being weighed down with lead and I had no idea what I'd done wrong.

"So it's my fault is it? I wasn't there to hold your hand one night and you think you can just move on and leave me? Well fuck you Bella, I'm done. You're my best friend and you promised to always be there for me just like I'm always there for you, except you aren't are you? You've found new people you want to hang out with, _a guy _giving you attention so you sack me off, like I've not helped you survive this past year and a half."  
She stopped her rant and I tried to speak up and tell her it wasn't like that, I had no idea why she was acting like this but it was ruining the happy feeling I was trying to hold on to, Alice's words were snapping something deep inside of me, the sadness began to grow again.  
"You know what Bella, I'm not going to hang around here and listen to you ramble on about how great your life is. I'm not going to be there for you any more so when this guy destroys your heart and these friends of yours realise how much of a weak, pathetic bitch you are don't come to me because I won't be there. It's only a matter of time before you lose everyone again, only this time you won't have me and it'll be your own pathetic fault."  
I hadn't realised I'd started crying till the fat tears were rolling and my face was all wet, my chest started to constrict and I couldn't breathe because of the lump in my throat, I hated myself for doing so but I began to sob; ugly loud sobs which seemed to spur Alice on. Her tone turned mocking and her words became cruel, I felt the sting of the words in my chest, breaking down the happiness inside of me and filling me with nothing but cold emptiness.

"Look at you crying you're so pathetic, no wonder everyone leaves you. Your own mother couldn't stand you and your sister could see how worthless you were, maybe that's why you hardly see your father? He probably hates you too. Oh are you upset Bella, why don't you try to kill yourself again? But then again you couldn't even do that right."  
I covered my ears and began yelling for her to shut up and stop, but she wouldn't her words echoed a thousand times in my ears and it felt like thousands of voices were yelling all at once; like I had an audience in the room yelling along with her. I rocked myself back and forth and screamed to drown out the hateful words.

_How shall I fill, the final places?_

I opened my eyes and Alice was gone, I wasn't in bed any more I was lay on my bedroom floor and my room was a mess. I couldn't remember if I had destroyed my room or if Alice had, I didn't want to remember, I shakily stood up and went to the mirror. My face was blotchy and disgusting from the tears, I wiped away my face noticing a cut on my arm, no no no please no, the cut on my skin was fresh with dried blood down my arm. I pressed my fists to my face, willing myself to remember what had happened, I couldn't even remember getting out of bed, I started panicking scared, please don't let this start again I couldn't have an episode I tried to remember the light feeling of today but thinking about Edward made the panic so much worse. What if Alice was right? What if when he realised what I was like he would reject me and run a mile? It would make sense for him to do so, I couldn't let that happen, I couldn't let myself get emotionally invested in him; I had to get rid of him and Jasper from my life and make up with Alice somehow. I'd find her and apologise for being such a bad friend. I crawled in to bed and dry swallowed three pills, I needed some peace, hopefully I would be able to get some rest and I could find her tomorrow. I picked up my phone; I could at least call her and leave a message even if she didn't answer.  
After five rings, I went to voice mail; I steeled my nerves and left her a message.

"Hi Alice, it's me Bella. I'm so sorry about everything, it's my fault. I know it is, please come back I need you, I - I'm so sorry, you were right, I'm a bad person. Please call me back."

After hanging up the call, I looked down at my phone noticing I had a few messages. Three from my mother, two from Edward and one from Jasper, I deleted them all from my mother I didn't even want to know what she had to say probably about to berate me for this afternoons event.  
Message Jasper Whitlock – Hey Bella, just wondering if you're okay. Call me, we can do something this week, love J. x  
Message Edward Cullen – Hi. Making sure you got home safe, thinking about you.  
Message Edward Cullen – My lips are still tingling, I can't stop thinking about you. "Awake for ever in a sweet unrest, still, still to hear her tender-taken breath, and so live ever-or else swoon to death."_  
__  
_I couldn't bear to delete the beautiful texts from Edward but I was too scared to reply so I hid my phone under my pillow and cried myself to sleep. I was stuck at a cross roads and the pain inside of me had become unbearable now the lightness had been sucked from me, I didn't know what I was meant to do, how was I meant to do this alone? But how was I meant to not be alone when the darkness inside of me prevailed. Not for the first time in my life I wished I was dead.

_How shall I complete the wall?_

**Reviews would be much appreciated, thank you for reading. Peace and love xo**


	10. Young Lust

**Young Lust**

**21****st**** June, 2004.**

_My brain could not seem to function; it was beginning to shut down on itself probably because my heart was died. It was my papas' funeral and his death still had not sunk in for me, I had woken up every morning after expecting to find him in his study or the living room but I never did. He was gone, dead. I lay awake at night hearing the bang of the gun, images of my papa falling to the ground ran through my mind constantly. I was well aware that I looked like the living dead, I hadn't washed in weeks, my grandmother had walked me in to the shower and this was where I currently resided. Crouched on the floor of my bathroom, towel shoved in my mouth to hide the screams. My papa, my best friend was dead and I hadn't had a chance to save him, he was dead before he hit the floor and I didn't tell him I love him. He was gone and I would never see him again, a part of me had died that day. It was gone forever; about to be buried today with my safe haven, what had caused my papa to do this?_  
_Was it the arguing with my mother? I only remembered his shouting, his accusations that she was seeing other men. I'd come to the conclusion that my papa was dead because of her, she's took the only person who understood me away. I hated her, I'd avoided my mother with every chance I had, not that she'd been around to see me; Victoria had returned and they'd spent hours locked up in my mother's room. The room where it happened. I slowly moved from my damp spot and slowly began to get ready, my reflection made me feel sick, I could only see my papa in me._

_"Isabella, it's time." My grandmother stood at my door, she smiled slightly the sad sympathetic smile people used when they didn't know what to do. My brain couldn't quite seem to understand what I was meant to do but my body did, my legs carried me out of my bedroom and down the hall. I didn't look at anyone, I looked straight ahead, I imagined this was a family outing we were all going to some fancy place my mother had arranged. My papa would be waiting for me at the door and I would take his hand and feel safe, I would stay with him for the evening and know I would be fine because I was with the main person in my life._  
_I knew I was lying to myself but living pretending like this was the only way I was able to get through, the reality was too much to bear; my arms had suffered the price of my reality check. I subconsciously rubbed the latest wound on my arm and envisioned my father waiting for me at the end of the hall. When I reached the end my heart lurched and my head swirled as it was only my grandpa standing there, I bit my bottom lip holding in the tears I knew I could never shed in public._

_"Bella, there you are. Are you ready to go?" I nodded and stood next to my grandpa, my voice had disappeared after my papa's death, I'd woken up and attempted to speak only to find it was not there any more It was like my body had stopped functioning now the only person who talked and listened to me was dead, my body was giving up and I didn't want to go on any more. My papa's death had brought on the cloud of darkness more than before._

_/_

_As ridiculous as it sounds I couldn't for the life of me remember the funeral, I remember leaving and getting in to the car, my papa in the back. After that it all goes cloudy and hazy, my vision cleared and I found myself alone in my room dazed and confused; this was the time I let it all out. I put my fist in to my mouth and sobbed, choking sobs that couldn't even be hidden by the fabric in my mouth, my body shook and the tears fell continuously. I was bent over in extreme pain, it felt like my heart had exploded and died, I had no reason for it any more my papa was dead, and who was I meant to love? Why should I bother with something as trivial as love? I wouldn't be alive for much longer anyway. I crawled over to the box where I held my razor, I sat on the floor and looked down at my arms they were red and sore, the skin puckered from slicing myself open. I fingered the scabs on my arm, I enjoyed the pain I liked punishing myself, hurting myself relieved some of the guilt from not saving my papa, or telling him I loved him before he died. Now was time though, to join him and follow on after him, I couldn't do it any more I couldn't live knowing that I didn't save my papa or that my mother pushed him over the edge and killed him, no one else was important to me and I couldn't live with this feeling in my chest anymore. The feeling was killing me, it was heavy weighing me down, I couldn't even get my head around how I felt, I couldn't do this any more I felt like a dam had been broken that my father had kept safe being alive and now I was about to be drowned from this water these intense feelings and thoughts constantly in my head._

_I lifted my sleeve and pressed the blade against my skin, my head began to spin and cloud over, the more pressure I pushed down the foggier my eyes became. I pulled the blade along my skin till it reached to the tip of my palm, the blood flowed steadily down my arm and I released a sigh I didn't realise I was holding. I could feel the pain somewhere inside me but I couldn't quite register it, I reached over and pushed the blade in to my other arm. After I'd sliced my wrists open I rested back and looked down at my handy work, I lay back and waited, it may seem strange I'd just slit my wrists open but the emotional pain inside of me was killing me more than any physical wound._  
_**I'm coming daddy, are you there?****  
****  
/**_

_Somewhere far away I heard someone screaming, it was loud I could tell, the voice was terrified they were calling for help, an ambulance, anything? I could hear them but my brain couldn't quite get the gist of what they were saying somehow, my eyes were rolled in the back of my head and my tongue felt thick and heavy, I couldn't register even if I wanted to. I was like a paralysis victim, I was there but I wasn't quite here. The only comforting thought I had was that soon I would be out of here, I was probably travelling in to the afterlife, would my father be there waiting for me? Or would I have to find him? Would my soul be damned for taking my own life? Would there be anything at all? I was waiting to find this all out._  
_I entered the world of nothingness, a light and easy feeling, I awaited death with my arms wide open. I'd accepted that I was going to die and I didn't have a problem with it, my emotional pain was too much to bear and since my safety net had killed himself I really did not see any point of life anymore. _

_/_

_I woke up and it was bright, I groaned so this was what the afterlife was like? All those corny films were right? Ugh too bright. I opened my eyes and blinked trying to adjust myself to the ridiculously bright light, when I finally came around I saw that there were bandages on one wrist and a smaller one of my other one. I guess I didn't cut as deep the second time round. Wait, am I in a hospital? What, no? I died. I know I did, that was the point of all of this, please God I'm dead, I'm with my papa. _  
_I looked around and my heart broke, Victoria was in a chair beside, I'm alive. I'm fucking alive. I couldn't stop the tears, I started crying, and my sister jumped out of her seat and began clucking around me, I stopped listening I didn't want to listen. I was alive; I'd failed my papa twice now._  
_My sister ran to get my mother I presumed, they returned with a doctor in tow. _

_"Welcome back Isabella we almost lost you, your mother and sister were so worried. How are you feeling?" I couldn't speak or I would have told him to go fuck himself, I **almost **died, this was a sick joke._  
_I sat and cried, I couldn't stop I was so annoyed at myself which made the tears fall more, my sister tried to comfort me but I pushed her off._  
_The doctor went over certain things, I was to stay with them for psychoanalysis, they wanted to see how my mental state was. How the fuck did they think it was? I'd just lost my papa and failed at joining him. I was taken to the psych ward, my mother wouldn't look at me, I wanted her to look at me, I wanted her to know that because she had ruined my papas life she had ultimately ruined mine. I was put in to a wheel chair and my mother pushed me to the elevator, I so badly wanted to tell her how much I loathed her, how much I hated her, and wished she'd died instead of my papa._

_/_

**So I think I have like the next 5 chapters planned out now, I'll just get them all written out as quickly as I can. Thank you for the feedback and follows etc. Peace and love xo**


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